timing

today made me realize that my emotions are still so, so sensitive and how could they not be? it's just been a little more than a month since we lost our second baby. saying 'lost' doesn't do it justice. it was tragic, unimaginable, excruciating, senseless, confusing, heartbreaking - drop-kick-me-to-my-knees, desperate-for-peace, please-tell-me-this-is-just-a-nightmare ...

every morning i see the scars, the stitches. i still feel the numbness, the ache, the emptiness in my stomach that just a few weeks ago was starting to curve with our baby. the baby that caused such tremendous food aversions that made me laugh - pregnancy could be a perfect diet, if it didn't involve nourishing a growing baby! my baby that made me feel so tired but so happy that i was so tired. my baby that had surpassed the time frame in which we lost the first baby and we thought everything was going to be OK. my baby who had a strong heartbeat, little hands that waved to mom and dad on the ultrasound.

God. oh. God.

i know You know how much pain i am in, how much pain i will always feel for these babies i only felt inside me but never got to hold. and i don't want to forget the pain. these were my children and they will always be a part of my life.

deep stuff, isn't it?

i'm a writer, so yeah, i attempt to show emotions through words in my stories, but this experience has surfaced emotions that i didn't know were possible from a tough chick like me. i've never just cried on impulse ... but heck, this morning i almost started crying at the gym while i was walking on the treadmill! then this afternoon as i was driving, a song came on the radio and i just started crying, sobbing - this song was speaking to me, to all women going through this type of pain and loss.

Not Forgotten by Twila Paris:

when you think your dream is dying
He has not forgotten you
when your body aches from trying
He has not forgotten you
when you worry for tomorrow
even though the sky is blue
see the sun is shining
He has not forgotten you

when july feels like december
He has not forgotten you
when it's painful to remember
He has not forgotten you
when it seems you cannot win
and there is not much left to lose
He has got a plan and
He has not forgotten you

and hope will spring eternal
in the home of those who know
that loving eyes will follow
everywhere we go
and even in the darkness
His promises are true
keep this in your heart
He has not forgotten you

He is faithful
He is present
He is listening
He is love
He is faithful
He is with you
He is listening
He is love

if your tired flesh has squandered
what your spirit would have saved
and your aimless feet have wandered
far from all you've truly craved
turn and run toward your Father
do not wait another day
see His arms are open and
He is calling out your name

and hope will spring eternal
in the home of those who know
that loving eyes will follow
everywhere we go
and even in the darkness
His promises are true
keep this in your heart
He has not forgotten you
He is in your heart and
He has not forgotten you

whoa.

despite my tears and broken heart, i am comforted.

He has a plan for my life, for every woman's wife who is on a similar trial. it is not about our age, when our BFFs are having babies. it's not about how we'll coordinate work and daycare and husbands who travel for work. it's about a better plan than we could ever devise, no matter how good our mad-planning skills are. just trust. be patient. seek. tell Him what you desire and to show you the way.