compassion

this is something i have learned so far on my journey. by no means am i a master of compassion. no - i'm still in the apprentice phase. but my eyes have been opened and my heart softened by going through the toughest suffering of my life.

before my experience of losing two babies, i was always the person who was uncomfortable in emotional situations. i never knew what to say to people who were experiencing trials, to those who'd lost a loved one, to those diagnosed with a disease, etc. and i was definitely not the girl who administered hugs and shared tears.

so, you would think now that i understand how it feels to be on the opposite side - the one going through the trial - that i completely get why people don't know what to say to me. but i don't. i find myself frustrated that most people just don't know what to make of what happened. they don't know what to say, they seem uncomfortable, and they seem to be oblivious that i am in more pain than i could have ever imagined possible.

i can't help that i am hypersensitive to anything baby-related. everywhere i go it's like i have this baby radar and it hones in on a target then bam, i am stabbed in the heart over and over. going to stonebriar and seeing a gabillion moms pushing strollers - stab in the heart. meeting someone new and being asked, "so, do you have kids?" - stab in the heart. YES, I HAVE TWO KIDS EXCEPT THEY'RE UP IN HEAVEN CHILLIN' TILL I GET THERE. walking past our empty baby room - stab in the heart. getting a lab bill from when i was preggers - stab in the heart. the list goes on and on and on.

so what can i do about my hypersensitivity?

pray.

that's all i know to do.

i can't control how i feel, i can't control what others say. i can't help that others have not walked in my shoes to understand the pain i am enduring. this just happens to be my trial and no one else's.

however, unfortunately, but fortunately for me, i have found others who have gone through and are also going through a similar trial. it's important to get connected with those who DO understand and can relate to your feelings. you can find strength in knowing you are not alone and by sharing your journey with those who can support you. know that it's not just your body that has to heal. pain from a broken heart and sad soul is much more difficult to recover from.

don't do it alone. you aren't alone. you are never alone.

i thought i could do it alone ... until i was in a dark, cold hospital room about to undergo surgery for a cornual ectopic pregnancy. i couldn't think. i couldn't breathe. i was completely numb. i was scared. angry. shaking in fear that we had to make such a life or death decision with absolutely no time to explore options. there were no options. i had to accept it whether i wanted to or not. all i wanted and needed more than anything at that moment of utter chaos was someone to hug me and tell me that everything was going to be OK, even though i didn't think that was possible.

and you know what - someone did.

God totally enclosed me and brought peace so quickly that everything became calm. he brought me a nurse in the ER who had experienced a miscarriage and she cried with me as she put inserted my IV. that meant the world to me. then he brought a Christian woman i look up to who prayed with us and stayed with my husband during the surgery. for the next three days i was in so much physical pain that i could only focus on that. but when i did get home, the grief hit me like an avalanche, except instead of heavy snow barrelling downhill, it was tears. unstoppable, unpreventable tears.

and that's when i started the healing process - emotionally.

it's true that it always gets worse before it gets better. and while i'm still having challenging days, i know, no, i believe that life is good and all is not lost. i am so thankful that i've been a mom and i can't wait to meet my kids one day.

believe. hope. persevere.

"For the Lord is full of mercy and compassion." James 5:11

timing

today made me realize that my emotions are still so, so sensitive and how could they not be? it's just been a little more than a month since we lost our second baby. saying 'lost' doesn't do it justice. it was tragic, unimaginable, excruciating, senseless, confusing, heartbreaking - drop-kick-me-to-my-knees, desperate-for-peace, please-tell-me-this-is-just-a-nightmare ...

every morning i see the scars, the stitches. i still feel the numbness, the ache, the emptiness in my stomach that just a few weeks ago was starting to curve with our baby. the baby that caused such tremendous food aversions that made me laugh - pregnancy could be a perfect diet, if it didn't involve nourishing a growing baby! my baby that made me feel so tired but so happy that i was so tired. my baby that had surpassed the time frame in which we lost the first baby and we thought everything was going to be OK. my baby who had a strong heartbeat, little hands that waved to mom and dad on the ultrasound.

God. oh. God.

i know You know how much pain i am in, how much pain i will always feel for these babies i only felt inside me but never got to hold. and i don't want to forget the pain. these were my children and they will always be a part of my life.

deep stuff, isn't it?

i'm a writer, so yeah, i attempt to show emotions through words in my stories, but this experience has surfaced emotions that i didn't know were possible from a tough chick like me. i've never just cried on impulse ... but heck, this morning i almost started crying at the gym while i was walking on the treadmill! then this afternoon as i was driving, a song came on the radio and i just started crying, sobbing - this song was speaking to me, to all women going through this type of pain and loss.

Not Forgotten by Twila Paris:

when you think your dream is dying
He has not forgotten you
when your body aches from trying
He has not forgotten you
when you worry for tomorrow
even though the sky is blue
see the sun is shining
He has not forgotten you

when july feels like december
He has not forgotten you
when it's painful to remember
He has not forgotten you
when it seems you cannot win
and there is not much left to lose
He has got a plan and
He has not forgotten you

and hope will spring eternal
in the home of those who know
that loving eyes will follow
everywhere we go
and even in the darkness
His promises are true
keep this in your heart
He has not forgotten you

He is faithful
He is present
He is listening
He is love
He is faithful
He is with you
He is listening
He is love

if your tired flesh has squandered
what your spirit would have saved
and your aimless feet have wandered
far from all you've truly craved
turn and run toward your Father
do not wait another day
see His arms are open and
He is calling out your name

and hope will spring eternal
in the home of those who know
that loving eyes will follow
everywhere we go
and even in the darkness
His promises are true
keep this in your heart
He has not forgotten you
He is in your heart and
He has not forgotten you

whoa.

despite my tears and broken heart, i am comforted.

He has a plan for my life, for every woman's wife who is on a similar trial. it is not about our age, when our BFFs are having babies. it's not about how we'll coordinate work and daycare and husbands who travel for work. it's about a better plan than we could ever devise, no matter how good our mad-planning skills are. just trust. be patient. seek. tell Him what you desire and to show you the way.

where to start

i'm a writer. there are lots of different types of writers. journalists, screenwriters, copywriters, speechwriters, fiction writers, nonfiction writers, poets ... depending on what kind of writing the writer is doing, they may start at the beginning or just thrust the reader into the story at any given point. well ...

i should probably start at the beginning of my story, but right now i just want to jump right in because my mind is going a million miles a minute, my heart is happy, and my soul is at peace. it wasn't very long ago that i thought getting over such a deep sadness was impossible. and it would have been impossible if i hadn't realized i am in control of nothing. for a person like me to admit that is no small confession.

i was the queen of:

planning
getting upset when something didn't go my way
impatience
having an extreme imbalance in priorities
discipline to accomplish tasks
etc.

so of course i was in the pit. how could i have climbed out by myself? it was a deep, dark hole and the more i tried to get out, the more frustrated i became. how hard do i have to work? how disciplined do i have to be? i'd see others and get pissed off that things happened so easily for them - why? and it was like a double ninja kick for me. i was trying to get pregnant. i was trying to publish one - just one of my three books. then it became just trying to stay pregnant ...

it took the most devastating event of my life to make me truly understand - and keep in mind i'd gone to church since i was little - that i've been on a journey blindfolded, trying to find my own way. although i'm still on this journey for God knows how long, i realize He is with me and He'll show me the way. it will be bumpy. i'll cry - a lot. i will probably fall down - a lot. i'll hurt - physically, emotionally. but i will trust Him and have faith that He knows my true heart and desires.

seems so simple now, but it's not easy to give up control. it takes strength and one gains strength through suffering.

there are many, many things i can't wait to blog about. that's why i'm just jumping into my story. everyday i realize something else i have learned along this journey and i can't wait to share it.

“If you abide in me, and my words abide in you, ask for whatever you wish, and it will be done for you." - John 15:7

cornual ectopic pregnancy

Just a month ago I was working on a blog for our new baby due July 8, 2009. I had actually started the blog back in June when I became pregnant with our first child. So, when I found out I was pregnant again, I was anxious to begin tracking our progress. We had taken a picture of me with my shirt pulled up over my stomach at eight weeks—standing in front of the Christmas tree. We had so much to be thankful for this Christmas. I was already dreaming of the next Christmas, knowing our baby would be 5 months old.

But near the end of my first trimester, we got news that I couldn't comprehend—something that I still can’t comprehend and won’t even begin to try comprehend.

I had a cornual ectopic pregnancy.

I was aware of the definition of an ectopic pregnancy, but cornual ectopic—I had never heard of it. And I didn’t have time to learn what it was. I had no time to feed my analytical brain that needed information, needed to understand how it happened, needed to know the cause and effect, needed to know how I could change the situation. All I knew of cornual ectopic was that it was out of my control and it meant I was losing my baby, and more.

After my cornual ectopic, I sought the information I hadn't had the time to get, however, there was minimal information on the Web. So, I want this to be a place where others who experience any form of pregnancy complication can come and know that they are not alone. I am not a medical expert, although I feel like I deserve some kind of certificate for all the doctor visits I’ve had; I am simply a mother who has lost two babies: one to miscarriage and one to a cornual ectopic pregnancy. I lost two babies in a six-month period. I lost my second baby two weeks before Christmas. My heart is broken, my body was confused … my soul was crying out for solace and peace.

But, I’m still hopeful. Even though the cornual ectopic was a devastating experience, and I continue to grieve the loss of my second baby, I have learned many lessons that I am grateful for.

"Beloved, build yourselves up on your most holy faith; pray in the Holy Spirit." - Jude 1:20